Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Somebody's big fat Indian wedding...

Its weird enough to be attending the wedding of someone you dont know. Its even more weird tobe hanging to your "saasu maa's" pallu all thru the wedding.Boy I dont want to list out the number of weird things related to me ...the idea is to talk aboutthe wedding in general.So here it goes ...
Indian wedding -- so what does that translate to ? A lot of colors, big fat round aunties all cladin silk sarees while their stinky , nose digging children are running around like little rats ina maze! Most of these aunties barely have absolutely no idea of who the bride and the groom are......they are here to arrange a little rendezvous for their own son/daughter/nephew/niece/cousin/neighbours daughter/uncle's friends grandmothers sisters brother....... The perfect occasion to be lookingaround for gullible young things..."oh doesnt she look pretty...jus perfect for XYZ" --(notice aunty hasnt spoken to pretty thing, has no idea whether this pretty "thing" is infact aliveand kicking or is a manequin to b hung in stores) All aunty knows is that she is looking out fora well dressed, good looking girl.(God, I cant thank you enough for having rescued me from all this!!)Then there are those aunties who are just not satisfied by "looking" at PYT (pretty yound things)..they need to have a conversation - helo beta....how are u ? fine aunty ...(errr do i know u?) so, there is this guy who is my sister's husband's cousin's best friend's brother's uncle who is about marraiageable age....he is very smart...blah blah Err...(SOOOOOO ? Is there any neon sign over my head sayin i am desperate to get married ?) What have you done beta ? XYZ has done his diploma from Ramkrishna society for the dyslexic....he is working as a computer hardware repair man... Aunty, I have done my engg from the IIT's and am planning to do my MBA from the IIM. Oooh that is so gr8 ...u did u engg in computers, right ? XYZ also has done his diploma in computers. Now a days its sooo imp for couples to be from the same field,isnt it ? (grins at PYT - she finally got the pronounciation right this time) PYT has totally lost her senses by now, and excuses herself coz she needs to stop herself from fainting !!! Then there are all the rituals going around. The swami (or so he is called - and u seriously wonderwhy on earth they call him that....his unshaven beard, blood shot eyes, dhoti that was washed in the last century make him look like a criminal just escaped from Tihar jail) is holding the mic, screaming out something , am sure even he has no idea of what exactly he is reciting.He tries to be fast with the "shlokas" as possible, before someone realizes that he isnt saying -" pati devo bhava..." instead, he is saying "paise devoo bhava..."They make some 25 million women put the kumkum on the bride, until they have managed to make the bride look like she is the victim of a hit and run accident !!! (most of the cases, the bride actually is the victim , she has no clue what had hit her until she hears the screaming and screeching of a baby in her arms!!!!)
Erstwhile, you can not ignore the fat, round, bald uncles of the fat, round, silk sari clad auntieswho are filling their plates like they were told the world was coming to an end tomorrow. They mustbe the happiest souls in that god forsaken place..they dont care whats going around them , dont want to know where all the people around them are running - even if it means they are running out coz there is a fire at the place !! They have bigger priorities in life -- like finishing all the food on their plate !! These uncles whom you overhear telling little kiddies "stay away from too much ice cream, u will have cavities.." need to stuff every inch of the empty space in their bodies with free ice cream !!! If they had an option, they would have stuffed the void up in their head also with free food !!!!
Then you simply can not ignore the band ! Aaaah the band waala's....they play as if their guru was the devil himself. They were taught to slap the drums like they were the cheeks of an enemy, and to blow the trumpet like they were blowing their noses !!!


Additions coming up ......

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Blogs - not just online diaries !!

You have to read about the events in Gaurav Sabnis' life.....and all because he posted HIS opinion ( which seem to b backed by hard facts I must say and seem to be very plausible too).

Hats off to Gaurav's guts !!!

It takes a lot more than courage to stand by your conviction.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Wat we do at work :-))

Herez a conversation we had over mail !! Was hilarious,...

Jus to give u a background....
Sid is a guy......and Sa a gal... and u all know the one and only Nish :-)

Read from bottom up.....no pun intended ;-)


Well it’s nice to know that one of our clients have appreciated our efforts so far…. And it really speaks volumes about our service… well maam we have also thought of putting in mouth to mouth resuscitation….I am sorry……. Mouth to mouth publicity as one of our campaigns which are in the pipeline!!!
And regarding the freebies… they are free just for the reason that they are readily available….. We are trying to introduce new products in the market (v are still working tooth and nail to release them within this quarter………)
Although we have reported quite a few pregnancies of late amongst our customers after they have tried out our freebies and this is a matter of concern to us……….. although we are working on the same would be coming out with solutions pretty soon!
It takes a lot of investment to teach our employees u know (you wouldn’t want to know how we started!! J )…… they practice day and night just to make sure that even the quality of the freebies are of the highest quality!
Regarding other offers maam…. I would love if you could give us few suggestions on the services that you would require…. Then again please demonstrate the same on one of our marketing agents so that he is familiar with the requirements!!!
One of the offers which is heavily in demand is we should be sending agents of the same sex…… some say they can be more free with them…. Well not a problem, its our duty to train them properly and send them across.
Our ultimate goal is customer satisfaction!!

Ur fav company,
Casanova Enterprise Solutions.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Sa


KICK ASS conversation..:)
Man Sid...........U changing the concept of door-to-door marketing
If priceless commodities were so easily and pithilly available.............I wonder if the showrooms wud be rendered redundant after all.
Also, a good idea wud be to make this a FMCG (Fast moving Consumer Goods for the jahils)...so that even the women get ample choice.
But I must say am disappointed with the limited stock of freebies.
This is a note to the owner to realise that the commodities/freebies u offer are all too easily available( which implies men are a dime a dozen)
Please give value for money

---------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Sid

We work towards the betterment of the women folk out here Sa...! I have fixed an appointment with the client tonight…. for you…..make sure she is not disappointed!!
Also get to know the other women in the neighbourhood while you are there!! If you face any problems do not hesitate to call me…. The beauty of this firm is its transparency…… the owner himself obliges to come to the customers door!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Nish


Well…… Mr.Casanova ….umm….is that Casanova with a Chauvinistic C or a Cant stop braggaing C ??
First of all let me clear the fact that I don’t face depression of late , although u can say I hav been under some shades of depression off late :-p

And could I bring you wandering attention to the fact that you have quoted your price to b : hugs/kisses/dates.

I would suggest you refrain from distinguishing members of ConsumerRightsForum on the basis of external appearances……they can b deceptive and second of all…….we are not racists JJ

CEO ka full form was hilarious !!

Yeh gud humour ka virus toh nahi failya tere yahaan ? All of a sudden kaise I say ?? JJ

---------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Sid
Also If you have any beautiful and interesting … I mean interested females in your ‘Consumer Rights Forum’ then please give them my number…. I have a few openings……. I mean job openings……………………………………………………………………………………………………. ‘Jyaada samajh aa raha hai kya???” J
---------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Sa
LOL
Very cute Sid .........not bad u improving too!!!!!!!!!
Sumit.sweetheart jago zara.....:)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Sid

Hmm….. Quite a paradox really….. I wonder if this lady is suffering from serious bouts of depression of late………

Well as far as my customers being bimbos….. They would definitely not like it when they hear this, since one of them is already copied on this mail…. I would say take care!! …..
Speaking of price…..I haven’t mentioned about the price anywhere!!!
Since most of ur concerns are disentangled here, I believe you carry out an in depth survey on ur own survey.
The next time onwards please address this mail starting with Dear Sir, since you are directly addressing the Owner of this firm.
Any further issues will be handled by our new employee Mr.Su

Regards,
CEO (Casanova Enterprise Solutions!)


---------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Nish

Due to absolutely suboptimal communications regarding impacts of offers made (impacts on so called customers of the service offered) , the customers (which predominantly consititutes bimbos as per our survey) , it has been concluded that the service provider is charging too hefty a price for the poor quality and lowly information provided in return. Consumer rights forums have decided to sue the service provider regarding the same !!

Anyone cumin for a brk ?? chaloo

---------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Sid


After having launched the beta version of this service which went out successfully……..courtesy my dear friends…
The full version of the same is available at a nominal cost…….Since this service is one of a kind there are many freebies attached to it……..
1.) if girls involved à free hugs/kisses/dates (currently the list is under construction … please keep on visiting this place for more offers)
2.) if boys à currently we have this offer open only for girls…..(don’t even think of coming back here… this offer will never come into existence)

Please call up 09800004002 for your registration asap.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Nish

The one stop shop for all non-technical queries …Sid ’s cubicle :-)

Visa related questions ho, ya events ke baare mein queries, latest gossip ho ya contact ppl ke naam……sab ka vajeev daam mein uljhan suljhayega…..naya, kifaytee Sidd :-)
Ek kaam karna…..”Ask Me” ka tag board laga liyo cubicle pe JJ hehe

---------------------------------------------------------------------


From: Sid
Subject: RE: VB Certification

Snehali mahajan…. Atleast she is the one for BoFA, but I think she caters to other departments as well… just enquire!
She sits on grnd floor
---------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Sa

Subject: VB Certification

Hey
Does anyone of you'll know who is the contact person in for any certification that we might need to give?
Need the info urgently.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Awesome ;-))

Dunno if any of u ppl have read these.......but I bet u wud b grinning from ear to ear at the end of this..........I cant help laughin out loud every time I read em :-))

AUSTIN POWERS PICKUP LINES

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)....Let's get you out of these wetclothes.
3. Nice legs...what time do they open?
4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talkingto you.
8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on Earth tonight.
10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
12. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
13. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
19. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
20. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
21. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
22. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
23. My name is Austin ... remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
24. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."
25. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
26. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
27. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
28. Do you sleep on your stomach? no..........? Can I???

Saturday, August 20, 2005

And it was the same ol' story AGAIN !!!!!!!!!!

And it was the same ol' story again....
Those people called " We are coming to see your daughter. The guy has done blah blah and is working in XYZ company."Dad " Yea sure sure. wat time can you ppl make it ? Yea anytime over the weekend would be fine.My daughter would be at home"
When they are here, I am in my bedroom. Standing there listening to them talk.Not once have i heard an interesting conversation, not once have I been eager to walk out of the bedroom.
Its the same ol' conversation too !
" So, wat do you do ? Oh you work as a software engg. Oh oh, Yes Nish works in XYZ company. Its a very gud company . IT sector is booming right now .. "
I walk out , sit in the same freaking chair.....looking at the carpet.....thinking " hasnt it been ages since this carpet was last cleaned ? Then I try to smile.....I somehow manage to look at the people around....I cant look at them for more than 5 seconds......they seem to b staring at me and I hate people staring at me as if I am a silk sari on display in a mall giving a 50% discount !!! Then I look at the ceiling and wonder...why the heck wont my parents shift out from this place ? It needs renovation sooo badly !!
Then one of the people say " So, how tall are you ? "I wanna say .. Am 6 feet....oh, u dont believe me ? Why not.....I just dont look that tall without my heels on !
Then they say " So, what are ur hobbies ? "I wanna say .. I love listening to rock n sexy music....love dancing in the pubs...would luv to get drunk someday.....and maybe try smoking for my latest timepass......
They say " Dont you want to ask him anything ? Go ahead, ask .....dont b shy...ask ! "Thats the instant I wish I could actually say " So, Mr.XYZ how many girlfriends have u had ? How many illegitimate children ?? How many times have u had a one night stand ??? "
But I dont say any of that..... I dont say any of that..........

Sunday, August 14, 2005

The things ppl say ....

Like I had been shopping yesterday. Told the fella, gimme any 2 flavours of pringles. He looks at me and asks (very caringly n all)"So are these chips for kids or something ?" And I am like " WHY man, you got different flavours for different ages or something ? " Wat d heck eh ? " Or did I look like a mother of 15 kids to him ???? JEEEZZZ !!!! Wished I could punch the man sooo hard in his g**** !

ANd there was this time when I went shopping in a mall. A stupid kid thought my bag was hers and was tugging it. I aint the typical " oh aint that cute, shez sucha cute kid" kinda babe ! So I simply pulled my bag from the kid n gave the mom a blank look. As if she takin revenge her mom says " Tis ok , thats AUNTY's...give it bak to her." AUNTY ? Wat the fuk ?? Of all the things, I am sure I dont look like an aunty !!!! That woman looked like a freak show herself....who gave her the right to call others by that dreaded word ??? Grrrrr !!!

Oh and herez another time when I went shopping wid a coupla colleagues of mine. First of all, they turn up half n hour late and then jus walk off as soon as we enter the mall. They dispersed as if they had jus entered some treasure hunt competition or something. And I am like " halluu ? when u cum to shop, the idea is to spend time together and not to run around as if you hunting for a prey or something !? " Oh well, there was this oversmart nit wit in the grup. Thinks hez got a gr8 sense of humour n all. A friend of his asks him "So S, u still single eh ?" He looks at me n says " Yea man, Nish is the only one who doesnt even bother to respnd 2 me." And I am guessing dat by that statement he means I am the only one who doesnt find his jokes even a wee bit funny....i jus manage to give him the cold stare! Bah....he aint worth givin a cold stare to even ........>Please remind me never EVER to go out wid any of em again !!!! Wat a complete waste of time ( AND my precious MONEY too ! Sob sob !!) So how does this incident relate to the others u ask ? It doesnt ! !

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Its all bout the money.... !!

I dont love money......but I love the power it brings.
I dont like money....but the respect it gets you is soo desirable.
I dont think money is everything......but you can virtually buy anything and Everything with it.
I dont think money and power always go hand in hand......but therez no denying in most cases it does !